The last time I committed to something I had not done before was to sign up for a 5K run last fall. Like many of us my relationship with exercise is extremely volatile. When we’re good, we’re really good. Heart-pumping, adrenaline-inducing good; the only times where sweat equates sensual and running outside amongst other runners makes me feel a part of the athletic community of like-minded people who care about the health of their bodies. Sure most of these runners look like a Nike commercial and nothing like the reflection I catch of myself as I pant and struggle to keep going. But it doesn’t matter. In my mind I become them. I enjoyed my first 5K so much so I signed up for another one that same month. After a couple of months however, I fell off the wagon, using winter as an excuse. I went back to my sedentary ways, alienating myself from that community of beautiful bodies. Relegated instead to that lonely self-indulgers club located at the left corner seat of the sofa; the exclusivity of this membership displayed by the indent in the sofa-seat cushion as a result of IMD (immobile derriere syndrome) a cousin of CPS (couch potato syndrome).
Today I begin a 30 day journey of writing daily. I join a community of bloggers; a community of writers committed to their craft. I cannot hide behind the pretense any longer. I am a writer, because I write. I have caught the reflection of my words and realize it does not read like the work of literati. Not a Faulkner, not a Munro. But it doesn’t matter. In my mind I become them. I will garner the discipline required. I will persist with passion. I will write with grit. It’s the only way to improve and be better. Otherwise I may as well go back to my place on the sofa. It waits for me, taunting me to fail.
Fear of failure has been my greatest weakness. I carefully crafted this barrier, lifting rocks of negativity in my mind to build an impenetrable structure. It moves with me where ever I go. I am convinced it cannot be broken, it is physically impossible. Physically.
A moment of clarity strikes. It’s intangible.
So I walk right through…
Thank you BlogHer for this NaBloPoMo experience.
This month’s theme is Grow and that is exactly what I intend to do.